Perfect.

Today was a perfect Saturday. Well, almost perfect. The only thing keeping it from true perfection was that I got up at 6:30 and it was negative 10 degrees when I left the house! (Side note: the day after my last post Lainey actually woke up at 3:30 am. Awesome.)

My day started out with my 90 minute endurance spin class.

I was hardcore today. Spin shoes: check. Two water bottles: check. Heart rate monitor: check. The only thing missing was padded bike shorts. I previously didn’t think I needed padded shorts, but I realized today that I was dead wrong. After about 60 minutes, my vagina was killing me. Actually, I think it was my pubic bone, but I just wanted to say vagina. Today’s class was much easier than last time. It was all endurance, meaning maintaining a constant heart rate for approximately the whole 90 minutes. By the end of the class I had burned almost 1000 calories!

After the gym, Lainey went to a birthday bounce party. While she was there we went to the mall and hit up my fave store:

Have I already told you that I heart Banana? Well, I do. Also, it was 25% off everything if you had a Banana, Gap, or Old Navy card. Sweeeet. All, I got was a vest with a long sleeved tee to go under, but it’s seriously dead sexy.

I also popped my Forever 21 cherry. For real, I had never been in there. Since Alivia and Shawn were with me, I knew there was no time to look at clothes, so I headed straight to the jewelry and got this:

Isn’t it bad ass? It’s a freakin’ boom box! I can’t wait to wear it to church tomorrow.

After we picked Lainey up from the germ bounce fest, we went to lunch at:

I love Qdoba. In fact, after we went there I spent the rest of the afternoon saying to Shawn “I love Qdoba. Did I tell you I love Qdoba?” He might have been annoyed after about the second or third time I said it, but I didn’t care. I was too busy day dreaming about the Naked Taco Salad and Chicken Quesadilla I ate. Yes, that sounds like a lot of food, but it was from their new “Craft 2 Menu” which is smaller portions. Not only was it delicious, but it was also free.

After lunch we made a couple other stops, and finally ended up at:

What is it about Target that just makes you want to buy shit? You could go in there to buy Valentine cards and come out with a TV. Which, almost happened. Ok, only sort of. If I would have said okay, I guarantee you Shawn would have catapulted that 50” into the cart faster than you can say cocka doodle doo. Unlucky for him, but lucky for me I hadn’t started drinking this yet:

Which is exactly what I’m doing now. Drinking wine and listening to the Bare Naked Ladies with Alivia and Lainey. Oh, and Lainey just told Shawn if she had a million dollars she would buy a brother. Is that the going rate now?

P.S. I’m laughing my ass off about that boom-box necklace. You know I actually didn’t buy that, right? I’m not sure if this is really that funny, or if it’s the wine talking?

Alarm clocks, noodles, and smart asses.

Have you ever had one of those days when by 8 am you feel like you’ve already put in a full day, and you’re ready for bed…or happy hour at the very least? Today was that day.

Every M, W, F, morning starts out with my 4 year old alarm clock yelling “Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!” I shouldn’t complain about today though, since the alarm woke up at 6:10 this morning, whereas Monday morning it was 5:00! Yes, 5 am. Aka, “the butt crack of dawn.”

Can we just talk about this for a second? What are you supposed to do with a 4 year old at 5 am? I mean, you can’t really give her a bottle, and put her back to bed. Or, can you?

So, let’s just say the bottle thing doesn’t pan out, what are my other options? How old do you have to be to get your own breakfast? These are the questions I need a parenting handbook for.

Lucky for me Daddy was still there this morning, but he didn’t stumble out of the bathroom until I had already made it down to Thing 1 and Thing 2’s bedroom. For 1/2 a second I thought about asking him what he was still doing there. Fortunately, I thought better of it, and just headed straight back to bed.

This is where things went downhill. I overslept. Normally, it wouldn’t be considered oversleeping, but the girl’s stupid lovely school changed their schedule and starting this week they start 15 minutes earlier. Personally, I think this is something that should have been discussed with those of us who live 1/2 hour away, and like to sleep in, but maybe that’s just me.

Fast-forward to 8 am when we should already be in the car and on the road, but I can’t find my gray boots anywhere, and Alivia has decided she doesn’t remember how to tie her shoes anymore. I give in and tie the damn shoes (double knotting them to save the sanity of her teacher) and shoo them into the car, so I can scream get my coffee in peace.

It was at this point that I decided instead of screaming I would sing a happy song, and hopefully change my attitude for the day. The first song that I could think of was this:

“Sunny days, sweepin’ the clouds a-way,

on my way to where the AIR IS SWEET (I really belted that part out),

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to…”

And then I stopped. Whoa. I was singing the Sesame Street theme song. I was asking for directions on how to get to Sesame Street.

I thought to myself, “What if I sing those words, and in some sick perverted joke by the universe, I end up on Sesame Street?” With my luck I’d end up in Elmo’s world with that damn Mr. Noodle.

I really don’t mind Sesame Street, but I can’t stand that Noodle. Why does he always have to act like such a douche bag?

Come to think of it, most of the adults on that show act like douches. Maybe it’s a requirement. Or, maybe that’s just what happens to you after you work there. They should put a bar on the set of Sesame Street for the adult characters, maybe if they were a little intoxicated they would be less douchey.

So yeah. That’s pretty much how my day started. And, no, I never finished singing the words to the song. I just couldn't chance it.

P.S. When we were driving home from school this afternoon, there was a smart car next to me on the highway. I thought about running it over, and then afterwards I would say to the lady, “Not so smart anymore, huh?”

Happy 101

Hey guess what?  I’m famous again!  Ok, not really.  But, I did get this award from Semi-slacker Mom, who is actually anything but a slacker.  Apparently, I am supposed to list 10 things that make me happy, so without further ado…

1.  My Family.This includes my whole entire family too, even my parent’s who if they tell me one more time about how a drunk lady threw up right in front of them at the Brad Paisley concert, I’m going to start blocking their calls. 

2.  Ice Cream.

Specifically, Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream.  Shawn and I just discovered this little gem, and I honestly have no idea how I’ve made it this far in my life without it.  For real.

3.  Sunshine.

 

The sunny days in Michigan during the winter are few and far between, so when the sun does shine everyone seems a little bit happier.

4.  Shopping.  No explanation needed there.

5.  Spinning.You knew I was going to say that though, right?  Come on, I didn’t want to disappoint you!

6.  Reality TV.

I mentioned most of my reality TV faves last weekend, but I realized I left out “Tough Love” on VH1, which I love love love!  Is anyone else watching?

7.  Daughters who are 21 months apart.

Finding out you’re pregnant with #2 after #1 just turned one can be kind of a kick in the crotch…but, now that they’re 4 and 6 and can play upstairs all afternoon without  even making a peep, now that is priceless.  Mind you, I said they don’t make a peep, but there is occasional crashing of furniture and stomping of feet…but as long as they leave me out of it, it’s all good.

8.  Date Night with my hubby.  These are few and far between, but in less than two weeks we are going away for a whole weekend by ourselves!  Our kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, right?

9.  Working.  Yes, I said working.  I only work two days a week though, so who couldn’t be happy about that?  Especially when you make it as much fun as I do!

*Bonus points for anyone who is not in the medical field, but knows what that is!

10.  Blogging, like duh.  Even though my husband thinks I waste a lot of time on the computer writing my blogs, and reading yours, it still makes me happy!  P.S. Occasionally throwing him under the bus on my blog makes me kinda happy too.

And now, 10 bloggers who make me happy (even though you all make me happy):

1.  Jill at "The Young and the Precious"

2.  Amy at "Goodbye 20's...Hello Botox!"

3.  Hillary at "Running with Sanders"

4.  Kelsey at "Lavender, Leopard, and Lace"

5.  Jen at "A Tale of Two Coins"

6.  Christa at "According to Christa..."

7.  Llama at "Llama Tales"

8.  Mama's Smitten

9.  Just Another Day in Paradise

10.  Leah

For the love of cookies.

Guess what Bitches?

Do you know what that means?  Well, if you’re a mother of a 6 year old “Daisy Scout” then you might know.  It means Alivia does nothing, and Shawn & I drive all over God’s green Earth pimpin’ these things so hopefully she can reach her goal of 200 boxes and earn a freakin’ stuffed panda.  Seriously.

It also means that the “cookie incident” will brought up again.  I think my co-workers might be the only ones who know about this travesty, so thus far the mocking has been limited to them.  Not for long though, because in the spirit of Girl Scout Cookie sales, I’m going to share the story with you.

A few years ago, one of the anesthesiologists I work with brought in an order form for Girl Scout Cookies for his daughter.  All of the nurses ordered some, because come on, even skinny bitches eat Girl Scout Cookies!  I was ridiculously excited with my purchase, because this was my first time ordering cookies.  Don’t get me wrong, I had eaten my fair share of Samoas and Thin Mints, but up until then they were always ordered and purchased by my Mom.

So, I ordered the cookies in January, and they weren’t going to come in until mid to late March.  What month is in between January and March?  February.  Who cares, right?  Well, I’m Catholic and Lent starts in February.  Due to a permanent brief lapse in sanity, that year I gave up chocolate for Lent.  This was a huge sacrifice for me, because I heart:

and

and

No worries though, because by March I was totally going strong and committed to my sacrifice.  But, then it happened.  I walked into work one day, and there they were right outside of my locker.

Shit.  I had forgotten all about the cookies.  How could I do that?  My co-workers were all laughing at me because they knew this was going to be bad. 

I had to stay strong though.  So, I brought the boxes home and I used packing tape to tape them all together!   I stacked them up, and went round and round with the tape, probably 10 times.  My husband was a little disgusted, but if I wasn’t eating Girl Scout Cookies, then no one was eating Girl Scout Cookies!  Then I stuck them on the very top shelf in a kitchen cupboard, where I had to climb up and stand on the countertop to get them.  Ha!  Take that cookies!

I think a couple weeks went by, and the cookies didn’t budge.  Everyday at work though the other nurses would just sit there at lunch licking their fingers, enjoying every last bite of their cookie goodness.

Then, one day I broke.  I don’t know what happened.  Maybe I had a fight with Shawn, maybe I was PMSing, maybe my kids were up all night…I can’t really remember. 

All I remember is speeding home from work (I seriously didn’t even stop to pick my kids up at daycare because I knew they couldn’t watch what was about to happen) with one thought on my mind:  Cookies.

It took me all of one second to launch myself onto the countertop and grab those things from the top shelf.  My hands were shaking, and my mouth was watering.  But, no matter how hard I tried I could not get that damn packing tape off.  Scissors didn’t work.  My teeth did nothing.  As a last resort, I grabbed a knife and stabbed at them.  Yes people, I went Lorena Bobbitt on a box (or 10) of Girl Scout Cookies.  Who does that?

And the rest, as they say, is history.  I think I ate a whole roll of Thin Mints, half a box of Samoas, and maybe a few Tagalongs.  When I was done, I taped them back up and put them on the shelf again.  I didn’t tell Shawn, but a few days later he did notice the cookie box carnage in the cupboard. 

At some point (during another moment of weakness) I did tell the girls at work.  To say they have never let me live it down would be an understatement.

Um, yeah.  That was my first and last time ordering Girl Scout Cookies.  Until now, of course.  So, happy Girl Scout Cookie season everyone!  And, if you want to order some, you know who to call!

Mercy me.

Ok, am I the only one watching this show?

Please tell me I’m not, because if I’m the only one watching, then it might get cancelled! I heart this show, and I’m not usually a fan of medical dramas.  I do not watch “Grey’s” (isn’t that what you die-hards call it?  “Grey’s?”).  I only watched “ER” when it first started, and I won’t even talk about “Scrubs.”

I think I love this show because it’s about nurses.  Yes, some of the scenarios are unrealistic.  For instance, one week they had a patient on there who got a hand transplant, and he later found out the hand came from a child molester.  In the end, he actually locked himself in an OR, and cut the hand off!  Totally gross!  So, yes, that was completely unrealistic, but it did make me think.   

There are funny parts to the show too, and definitely some sad parts.  I usually cry every week, but that’s just me. 

So, there I was watching it on Wednesday night, and at the end of the show they say, “Stay tuned for scenes from an all new episode of Mercy coming in two weeks.”  What?!  I hate it when they do that!  I don’t want to wait two weeks!  I immediately started dropping F bombs, but then I hear “There will also be a new cast member joining in 2 weeks.”

Ok, you have my attention now.  And then it happened.  What happened?  This is what flashed on the tv:

My jaw hit the floor, and I whispered “Dawson.”  Then, Shawn said “No.  It’s James Vanderbeek.”  And I said, “No.  It’s Dawson.” 

I think he protested again with his whole “it’s James Vanderbeek” shpeal, but I wasn’t listening.  I was too busy saying “OMG, OMG, it’s Dawson!  Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any better, then there is Dawson!”

Just in case for some obscene reason you don’t know what I’m talking about, this is what I’m talking about:

I feel obligated to tell you that while I was drooling over Dawson, and my husband was mumbling about James Vanderbeek, I was wearing my new heart monitor for spin class.  At one point I looked down and I was totally tachycardic!  I pointed this out to Shawn, saying “look what Dawson does to me!”  At that point, he said “WTF?” and stomped out of the room.  Hater.  

P.S.  I was wearing the heart monitor so I could see how many calories I burned eating ice cream. 

Let’s chew the fat.

Is anybody watching Biggest Loser?  For whatever reason, I don’t care as much for the show when they do “couples.”  What do you think?

This post was originally going to be about the people who have been kicked off, but I just have to talk about something else first.  Melissa!

If you’re watching the show, then you know that last week Melissa and her husband had immunity and when they weighed in she had gained a pound.  When she gained a pound, she acted totally surprised!  Bob & Jillian said she was just “playing the game,” which was fine but they wished she would just admit to it. 

Now, this week only Melissa’s husband’s weight counted for their percentage to be above the yellow line.  And surprise, surprise!  She only lost one pound.  When she saw the one pound she started talking about how discouraged she was and how she just wanted to go out and “eat a cheeseburger!”  Bob & Jillian got pissed and told her they knew she “threw” the weigh-in and wished she would just admit to it!  It escalated from there and Melissa said she was being honest, and didn’t like being called a liar, and blah blah blah.

So, what do you think?  I totally think she threw it, but my husband seems to disagree.  Come on, at one point when they were yelling at her she was actually smirking!

Ok, onto what I was originally posting about!  Last week and this week, one of the mothers got kicked off.  When I saw last week that it was a mother and daughter going to elimination, I was really worried.  Do you remember the season last year with Helen and her daughter?

   (do they look eerily like the pink team this season, or is it just me?)

On that season when Helen and her daughter were below the yellow line, Helen stayed and her daughter went home.  That made me SO mad!  What made me mad was that when it came time for both of them to talk to the other players and say their opinion on who should stay, Helen only fought for herself.  Her daughter tearfully said her mom should stay too.  I don’t care how fat you are, or what you have going on at home, if you are on the show with your kid, then you fight for them to stay!  That is your job as a parent.  Ugh.  After that happened I could never root for Helen.

So, last week when the purple team (mother/daughter) was up for elimination I was so afraid that it would be a replay of Helen and her daughter.  I may have even yelled at the TV.  I may have said, “I don’t care if you can’t feel your feet (the mom had diabetic neuropathy), you go home!  And your daughter stays!”  And, phew.  That’s what happened, the mother never even thought twice about asking them to keep her daughter there.  It was the same scenario last night with Maria and Michael.

I was so glad that both these moms (and the other players) did the right thing.  When you have a child that’s what you do, it’s like the law. 

One more thing…  What’s up with Jillian’s boobs?  She is showing more cleavage than ever this season, but her boobs are just weird.  Like saggy old lady boobs, or something.

P.S.  Bob Harper is still hot, and I almost want to gain weight so I can go on the show and “hug it out” with him.  I’m just sayin’.

Weekend Update…or not.

I don’t usually do weekend updates, because let’s face it, my weekends are boring.  However, this week I was going to do a weekend update because something fantabulous was going to happen.  But, it didn’t.

On Saturdays there is a 90 minute endurance spin class at the gym, which I have been wanting to go to for a long time.  It’s a paid class though, and I never signed up because I am lazy and like to sleep in was afraid I wouldn’t make it every week, and didn’t want to waste money.  I found out last week though, that if you show up the day of the class and pay $8, then you’re totally in!

So, we woke up at the butt crack of dawn, because our gym is 1/2 hour away, and what do you know?  We were still 5 minutes late.  Oh well, I was still in because the teacher is cool like that, and I think she still feels bad for making me puke that day.

So, there I was with my bad ass spin shoes, thinking this was going to be a walk in the park.  Um.  Yeah.  I was wrong.  Way wrong.

First of all, everyone else in there (besides me) was hardcore.  I don’t know exactly what they were all hardcore at, I just know that they were.  Trust me.  They all had two water bottles, were wearing padded bike shorts, and had a heart rate monitor.  All I had was the shoes.  But, I was a little bit proud of the shoes.

Second of all, it turns out it was an endurance class, but not so much on the first day of the class.  The first thing she had us do was to ride as fast and hard as we could for 5 minutes.  5 whole minutes.  She said it needed to be an “all out effort.”  Then she asked what “all out effort meant?”  And a dude in the back yelled out, “Heart Attack!”  And she yelled said, “Yes!”  It was at that point that I knew I was screwed.

Somehow I made it through the class (without puking!), and when we were stretching at the end the instructor asked me what I was training for?  I told her I wasn’t training for anything.  She said I had to be.  Apparently, people don’t come to a 90 minute spin class just so they can leave and eat one of these:

Which is exactly what I did.  This is where things get bad.  This is where the fantabulous thing that was going to happen on Saturday night went right out the window.  All for a donut.

Saturday was my friend Abbie’s birthday.  A group of girls was all going to go to Mega 80’s at the Intersection in Grand Rapids.

Everyone I know who has gone to this has said it is the Best. Time. Ever.  I even bought a new shirt, which my daughter told me today I “wasted.”

As it turns out 90 minutes of spin, followed by a chocolate custard filled donut do not mix well.  Who knew?

So, I ended up in bed all day watching:

 

and

Good times.  I actually feel a little bit dumber today after watching all that.  There is some good news though.  While I was laying there rotting my brain, I had a revelation. 

I was thinking about Heidi (spin instructor) asking me what I was training for.  And, I thought why don’t I train for something?  I’ve been wanting to do a 25K or 1/2 marathon, but I can’t run outside in the winter and running on the treadmill makes me homicidal, so that’s out.  I can run a short distance on the treadmill, and clearly I can spin (well, kind of), so where does that leave me?

Triathlon?!  Hel-lo?  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?  Except, I can’t swim.  That presents a problem.

However, when I was looking up triathlons, I found out about duathlons!  A “duathlon” is run, bike, run.  I can do that!  I was all ready to sign up for one, and then I realized I don’t have a bike.  Ok, well I’ll just buy one.

Yeah, right.  The cheapest one I could find that I liked was $780.00.  So, I formulated a plan.  I asked Shawn if he would be my sponsor.  He thought I meant a sponsor for AA, so he said yes (which I find odd).  When I told him that I wanted him to sponsor me in a race and buy me a bike he said, No.  He claims he already gives me all his money, so how would it be any different?  He might have a point. 

Lucky for me, I came up with a better plan today, and it just might work.  And, no, it doesn’t involve me wearing the Victoria’s Secret bras which made me look like a stripper.  It doesn’t involve selling plasma either, which is what Shawn told me to do.

So, I’m hoping on June 27 I will be doing this:

 

I didn’t sign up yet, but I’m hoping that if I put it out here in the blogosphere, that you all will hold me accountable?