We are driving home from the grocery store. My husband is majorly on my shit list after an incident earlier in the day. He’s lucky we went to my brother’s house this afternoon, or there may have been a physical assault (on my part). My kids are fighting. Lainey’s voice is already like nails on chalk board due to the emotional breakdown she had during the entire shopping trip, which ended in a fight about who got to pick out band-aids. Shawn just pulled over to the side of the road, going from 75mph to zero in like one second to retrieve a stuffed animal…
Me: “Did you put that wine in the refrigerator last night?”
Him: “Yes, it’s on the second shelf.”
Me: “Good, because that’s all I have in life right now.”
Him: “The only thing holding you together is that bottle of wine?”
Me: “Yes, and you’re not getting any.”
Him: “Don’t worry, I know. I’m probably not getting any for like a month.”
Did he actually just say that?
Me: “You shouldn’t be allowed out in public.”
Him: “What? Why?”
Me: “I was talking about the wine. I meant, you weren’t getting any of my wine.”
Him: “Oh, yeah, me too, I was talking about wine too…” (insert him laughing like Beavis and Butthead here)
Just another day in paradise.