Monday, March 15, 2010

The Vagina Monologues.

vaginamonologues

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I promised you on Friday that I wouldn’t talk about vaginas anymore, well, I lied. I’m probably going to lose followers over this, but whatever. We’ve got major vagina problems over here people, and I need your opinions on Problem #2.

Problem #1: Labial Adhesion. Do you know what that is? Long story short, it’s when your vagina fuses shut. For reals. This is actually a very common condition for little girls, and can start at 2-3 months old. It’s easily treated with Premarin (hormone) cream, but if left untreated could require surgery. You can imagine what that would feel like!

Anywho-ha. Lainey had this and I thought it was all better until a couple weeks ago when she was all “My pee pee hurts, my pee pee hurts!” I take a looksy and sure enough, it’s almost half closed. Whoops! Is this something I was supposed to be monitoring?

So, I call the pediatrician’s office and after lots of vagina talk, I get the prescription called in. But, then! When I went to pick it up it was $45, and that was with my insurance! I told the girl No Way (!), so she ran it again and then was like “Yeah, it’s $45, so just pay for your crotch cream and get out of here.” Ok, she didn’t actually speak those words, but the look on her face totally said that.

Moving on…

Problem #2: Urinary Dysfunction Syndrome. Didn’t we already talk about this? I thought so. Yeah, I know, it’s like a broken record. Alivia’s had 2-3 accidents at school within the last 2 weeks. So, I got an order called in today, so I could drop off a urine specimen in the morning. But, when I got home I remembered that I actually have urine dip sticks here at home! Hello! Nothing like feeling really smart and really stupid all at the same time.

Well, I dipped the urine, and of course it was positive. We already have a refill for her antibiotics, so at first I thought “Sweet! I’m gonna treat this UTI myself, and I don’t even need those biatches at the Dr.’s office!" But, then I thought if I don’t take the urine in then I have no proof of the infection and no proof that this is still an ongoing problem. Damn it.

So, what to do? What to do? I think I should take the urine in, but I’m irritated that I’ll have to pay $40 (for the lab test) to find out something that I already know. And, what about the pediatric urologist’s office? That’s where I really want to go for an appointment, but that nurse-practitioner-biatch last time was all “Next time you can just take her to her pediatrician.” Boo.

Lainey keeps telling me everyday “Mom, I want a brother! I want a brother!” I don’t think I could handle it, who knows what kind of problems there are with penises?

36 comments:

Claire said...

Hilarious! I mean not that your girls are having vagina problems but that you are so brutally honest! I love it! Keep em' coming sister! ;)
Love,
Claire

Yankee Girl said...

I love the honesty.

Your girls must be so uncomfortable. Hopefully they both get better soon!

Speaking of vaginas, did I miss the post where you told us you took out your IUD? Is it still in?

As you can see, I am very concerned about your vagina as well!

Shell said...

You crack me up! I mean, it sucks that your girls are having these problems, but your take on them is funny!

Leah said...

Hahaha! I guarantee you, penises don't have much problem except the circumcision part. I never had problems with my boys.

I love this vagina monologue... but you really have to have the urine checked. Although I do self medicate when I know I have an infection... just antibiotics and cranberry juice.

PS... yes, 60degrees and it feels like winter inside my home. hahaha! I'm wearing pajamas and a jacket right now. :-)

Emily said...

So sorry Lainey and Alivia are both having to go through that! Hope things get better sooN!

Meghan said...

I love your honesty and hope your girls feel better soon!

One Take On Life - Heather said...

Oh I needed a laugh, thank you for that:)

I say you need to take it in, b/c you're right they aren't going to just take your word for it if it happens again after this. They have to Cover their butts.

But, if you feel you want to take it to the urologist then do! You are your childs #1 advocate, so go with your gutt instinct. You're the mom and don't take no for an answer.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Co Captain aka Mommy said...

Thank you!! I am seriously laughing out loud!! My friend's daughter (who is 4) has the same problem with the vagina fusing closed. She has to rub the cream on several times a day to keep it open...WHAT a pain! I have 2 vaginas and one penis over here. The main problem with the penis is potty training and getting peed on FREQUENTLY. And especially when I am wearing my expensive jeans!!! I just really love your blog!!!

Kelsey Claire @Lavender, Leopard, and Lace said...

Ummm I can no longer be a follower. This is way to much vagina talk for me. I am so sorry that your girls are having vagina problems. Of all places to have them! I hope that it all starts to turn around!

Amy Lynn said...

Oh no! Poor things! They are surely going to kill you later in life when they find out you blogged about their vaginas... but until then, keep us updated! Hope they both get well soon. Good luck!

Christine said...

Aww your poor girls!!! And as some else already asked did you take it out or keep it in?! Way too interested...oh well

Natalie said...

Could you change ped. urologists? That nurse sounds like a major pain. I was born with reflux & have spent my fair share of time in doctor's offices. It seems like I ALWAYS had a UTI. Luckily, I've outgrown alot of my problems. At least I've gotten better at just ignoring my symptoms & self-medicating with juice & vitamins.
On top the meds, have you tried juice? I hate cranberry juice (unless it's an adult version), but love red grape juice. It has to be the red grape juice & it has the same healing properties as cranberry. It's def. worth a try.

Also, I've had 2 boys with no penis problems.

MrsDixon said...

Poor babies....I'm sure one day that will be so thrilled to hear that their mommy wrote about their Va-Jay Jays on the internet. :)

Arizona Mamma said...

Well, crap! Not sure I have any advice, but I am certainly curious to see how it turns out.

Miss S said...

you wont lose readers, you'll gain them! Keep up the honesty :)

April said...

your poor girlies :( my sister had the labial adhesion thing when she was little.

sucks sometimes, being a nurse, when you CAN do and figure things out for yourself, but it's not necessarily helpful, because what if the doctor doesn't believe you/have documentation?

Ian said...

Thank god I don't have that vagina shutting closed problem.

Hey can as asshole shut? If so I know plenty of assholes I'd love for that to have happen to.

And whoever unfollows isn't cool enough to read what you have to say ;)

jv726 said...

Wow. I did not know that was a problem (the vagina fusing, that is!) I hope everything turns out ok with both your girls!
And I am sure they will be thrilled if they ever find out you wrote about their vaginas on the internet ;)

Cara Smith said...

I think I would try to talk to the doc and explain that you have the testing supplies at home and ask if they will record the recurrence. If he still says to have the lab work you might have to bite the bullet.

We also just paid $48 for a inhaler spacer (after insurance) for my son. I forgot that we still had one from when my daughter was smaller.

ty said...

You are like a freaking ESPN highlight reel of ridiculous stories. And I love you for that.

Hillary said...

I say take the pee in and chances are your pediatrician will refer you back to the urologist, then the NP can't be a b*tch b/c it was a referral!

Hope the girls are feeling better soon

Lara said...

I love your blog... your honesty and style are what keep me coming back!

I would take the pee in. You don't want to miss something; you never know. I hope everyone feels better soon!!

Danielle said...

We've had plenty of penis issues to last a life time...I don't know how I got so lucky to have 4 boys. Our oldest boy used to have penis reflux...what?!?! His whole scrotum used to swell to the size of an orange and get hard as a rock...and this was when he was 2. It was awful, Thankfully he outgrew it after having to take continuous meds. for a few years. Oh the stories I could tell.
Hope those precious girls feel better.

Marjorie said...

Oh my gosh! I had no idea the little baby vaginas could fuse shut! That sounds so awful! Way to freak me out now that I know I'm incubating a girl! Off to WebMD to search out what other terrors are in store for me.

Heidi said...

To be blunt: Your girls are going to hate you when they're old enough to read this blog.
(Insert ha ha smiley face here.)
P.S. My security word for posting this comment is fart. No joke. That seems somehow appropriate!

Taylor-Made Wife said...

haha, I was thinking the same thing as Heidi. I am so sorry they are having to go through that. It has to be tough for girls their age. Hopefully things will start looking up for both of them soon. I hope you get to deal witrh a penis next time just to change things up a bit!

Laura and Ryan said...

So, I just had a shitty day. I came home grabbed a pint of ben and jerry's and pulled up your blog. You did not disappoint! I love how honest you are about life and don't hold back. Thanks!

jill said...

i felt bad for laughing, but i couldn't stop! too funny!!! hope everything in hoo-ha ville is better soon. bless your heart!

Amy said...

OMG, Tami! The goo-ga issues at your house are at an all time high! Poor girls!

For the record, I've dealt with a penis for exactly 21 months. So far, so good.

Sara said...

Oh geez. Now you've totally freaked me out. What the hell am I supposed to do when I have kids? I've never heard of this kind of thing. Is there a handbook or something? Ahh!!

Tracie said...

The only penis problems we have is their tendancy to grab/fondle them all the time. I think girls are just high maintenance - all over.

Lesli said...

You are too funny.. My friends daughter had the same problem and she had to have surgery last year at three years old...everything is fine now.. oh and yes there are problems with penis's as well, I think my little boy will have to be re curcumsized soon..ugg...so yeah, there are always problems...

Stephanie said...

A: Funny and awful at the same time!
B: Love the vagina talk
C: Most importantly, I hope both of the girls feel better soon! Those poor things!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

They always tell me they have to culture it! $40 pissed away. Pun intended.

Coming from a momma of 2 girls & 1 boy, BOYS ARE EASIER!

Just Add Walter said...

holy moly... had no idea about that first one!!

~Niki~ said...

my dd had the adhesions also and now she is 7 with no problems. had the creams and i was scared to death of the sx as well, but it never happened. she outgrew that