Guess what Bitches?
Do you know what that means? Well, if you’re a mother of a 6 year old “Daisy Scout” then you might know. It means Alivia does nothing, and Shawn & I drive all over God’s green Earth pimpin’ these things so hopefully she can reach her goal of 200 boxes and earn a freakin’ stuffed panda. Seriously.
It also means that the “cookie incident” will brought up again. I think my co-workers might be the only ones who know about this travesty, so thus far the mocking has been limited to them. Not for long though, because in the spirit of Girl Scout Cookie sales, I’m going to share the story with you.
A few years ago, one of the anesthesiologists I work with brought in an order form for Girl Scout Cookies for his daughter. All of the nurses ordered some, because come on, even skinny bitches eat Girl Scout Cookies! I was ridiculously excited with my purchase, because this was my first time ordering cookies. Don’t get me wrong, I had eaten my fair share of Samoas and Thin Mints, but up until then they were always ordered and purchased by my Mom.
So, I ordered the cookies in January, and they weren’t going to come in until mid to late March. What month is in between January and March? February. Who cares, right? Well, I’m Catholic and Lent starts in February. Due to a
permanent brief lapse in sanity, that year I gave up chocolate for Lent. This was a huge sacrifice for me, because I heart:
No worries though, because by March I was totally going strong and committed to my sacrifice. But, then it happened. I walked into work one day, and there they were right outside of my locker.
Shit. I had forgotten all about the cookies. How could I do that? My co-workers were all laughing at me because they knew this was going to be bad.
I had to stay strong though. So, I brought the boxes home and I used packing tape to tape them all together! I stacked them up, and went round and round with the tape, probably 10 times. My husband was a little disgusted, but if I wasn’t eating Girl Scout Cookies, then no one was eating Girl Scout Cookies! Then I stuck them on the very top shelf in a kitchen cupboard, where I had to climb up and stand on the countertop to get them. Ha! Take that cookies!
I think a couple weeks went by, and the cookies didn’t budge. Everyday at work though the other nurses would just sit there at lunch licking their fingers, enjoying every last bite of their cookie goodness.
Then, one day I broke. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I had a fight with Shawn, maybe I was PMSing, maybe my kids were up all night…I can’t really remember.
All I remember is speeding home from work (I seriously didn’t even stop to pick my kids up at daycare because I knew they couldn’t watch what was about to happen) with one thought on my mind: Cookies.
It took me all of one second to launch myself onto the countertop and grab those things from the top shelf. My hands were shaking, and my mouth was watering. But, no matter how hard I tried I could not get that damn packing tape off. Scissors didn’t work. My teeth did nothing. As a last resort, I grabbed a knife and stabbed at them. Yes people, I went Lorena Bobbitt on a box (or 10) of Girl Scout Cookies. Who does that?
And the rest, as they say, is history. I think I ate a whole roll of Thin Mints, half a box of Samoas, and maybe a few Tagalongs. When I was done, I taped them back up and put them on the shelf again. I didn’t tell Shawn, but a few days later he did notice the cookie box carnage in the cupboard.
At some point (during another moment of weakness) I did tell the girls at work. To say they have never let me live it down would be an understatement.
Um, yeah. That was my first and last time ordering Girl Scout Cookies. Until now, of course. So, happy Girl Scout Cookie season everyone! And, if you want to order some, you know who to call!