Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tami thinks you should listen to your husband.

When you work out at the time of morning I do, one of the downfalls is the geriatric crowd.  Don’t get me wrong, some of these people are actually there to exercise, but it appears a great majority are just there to wear swim dresses in the hot tub and drink free coffee.

So, there I was this morning on the shoulder press trying to mind my own beeswax, when I started picking up bits and pieces of a conversation going on next to me.

Picture this:  Old bitty #1, probably in her mid 70’s doing a leg machine.  I’ve seen her there before.  She probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet and she wears her street clothes to “work out,” which of course, I find bizarre.  Oh, and her shoes are the best:


Ok, Bitty #2:  I would guess early 60’s and she weighs no less than 275 pounds.  She is not working out.  At. All.  She’s standing beside Bitty #1 having this conversation:

Bitty #2:  “I found out I have osteoporosis, and I heard jump roping and doing jumping jacks can actually build your bone back up.”

(I’m sitting there saying to myself:  Tami, do not laugh.)

Bitty #1:  “Oh, I have a cousin who has osteoporosis…”

(blah blah blah, I stopped listening for a second, but my ears perked up again at jumping jacks)

Bitty #2:  I was really excited to start doing jumping jacks!  But, when I tried to do one, I couldn’t even get my feet off the ground!”

(Self:  Don’t laugh.  Do.Not.Laugh)

Bitty #1:  “Oh.”

(Like what could she really say?)

Bitty #2:  “Yeah, my feet would not even leave the ground.  And do you want to know why?  It’s because I don’t have any muscle.  I have no muscle!  None.  Can you believe it?”

(Oh shit.  I’m gonna laugh.)

Bitty #1:  “Wow, really?”

(No, she’s lying to you!  It’s physically impossible to have no muscle!)

Bitty #2:  “Yup, no muscle.  The day I found out I was so upset, so when my husband came home, I told him.  I told him I can’t even get my feet off the ground!  And do you know what he said?”

(Oh, this is going to be good.  I can’t leave now.  For the love of all that is Holy, please don’t laugh.)

Bitty #1:  “No, what?”

Bitty #2:  He said “The reason you can’t get your feet off the ground is because you’re too heavy!!”

(Bahahahahaha!  Like, duh.  Omg, I’m laughing.  Get up and walk away.  Pretend something on your iPod is funny.  Crap, I don’t even have my iPod!)


Ok, I don’t normally condone husband’s telling their wives they’re fat, but I have to give this guy a break.  This lady was clearly in denial, and I never did see her workout.  Oh, wait.  I did see her belly up to the coffee bar, and I think she walked down the stairs to get there, so that might count for something.



P.S.  Today is day 14 of my Facebook fast, and I’m going strong!  Not even one click over to Facebook.  However, titling my blogs with Facebook status updates is starting to get on my nerves a little.  I don’t know if it will last!


ty said...

I want to work out at YOUR gym. I just hear ridiculous frat-isms and teenage girl problems.

melissa said...

First, I totally forgot you were titling your blog posts with FB status updates. I really was wondering why you kept referring to yourself in the third person. SO GLAD you reminded me. I was beginning to doubt your sanity! :)

Second, those were some funny old bitties. Hilarious. I think after that many years of marriage, you're probably out of the sugar coating it stage.

Do people drink coffee while working out at your gym? Like on the treadmill/elliptical/stairmaster? They do at mine and it creeps me the hell out.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Oh My! That is funny!

We will be old like that someday, but way cooler and able to do jumping jacks :-)

Shell said...

I would have been cracking up!

I wondered about your blog titles!

jill said...

you and your hilarious-ness make my day!!!! funniest girl ever! :) way to go holding strong on facebook ... but your first order of business after Lent should be to add me. haha! happy wednesday!

~Bekah said...


Christine said...

hahahhaha that is really funny!!!

The Kid said...


Yes... all you girls should listen to us husbands.

Hillary said...

I totally heart your inner dialog! And, I still enjoy your facebook status titles, but farting feathers is still my fav.

Kelsey Claire @Lavender, Leopard, and Lace said...

Kelsey thinks that is hilarious!

Jen said...

God, I so wish we lived just a little closer so we could work out at the same gym. Today I was watching to ummm rather "heavy" ladies "working out" and I was actually laughing to myself. It was about the funnies thing ever, and guess what? One of the ladies had on the same shoes as your picture.

Then again, I think if you and I worked out together we may spend a majority of our time laughing.

Taylor said...

Hahaha! That's hilarious! I told my husband this week that he looked like he had gained a little water weight...big mistake!!!

Erin said...

So funny! I hope my husband still finds me attractive and "muscular" and not too heavy by that age.

p.s. after your FB fast, will you friend me?


Jamie said...

Cute blog! Thanks for checking out mine also. Good job on the debt reduction! jamie

LCW said...

Thanks for stopping by Waking Up Williams. Gyms are pure entertainment....I mean besides the whole working out thing. I plan on adding you to my list of must reads...thanks for the comment. I hope you'll come back often.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

HIlarious! I used to have guys in my squadron complain about PT. They were "injured" because their knees hurt when they tried to run. In reality they were just 100lbs overweight. I can't believe you stiffled your laugh!

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

oh my gosh Im cracking up!!!!! I dont know how you held yourself together haha!

Llama said...

This is hysterical. I totally can't help but to listen to convos like this at the gym. Why the heck are so many people talking at the gym anyway? This is the whole reason why they have no muscle and can't lift their feet off the ground...they have to stop talking and start moving!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I forgot about your FB status titles. I was beginning to worry about you! My g-ma wears street clothes to "exercise" in, but she doesn't weigh 200 lbs.

Danielle said...

OMG that is hilarious! I think I even laughed in my sleep thinking about this post.

Amy said...

This is freaking hysterical! I evesdropped on two old ladies the other day at a diner and was dying laughing!