Friday, April 30, 2010

Don’t make me do this.

This morning I was looking through my purse when I found a coupon of Shawn’s for a free coffee.  The coupon was sent to him for his birthday.  I called him to tell him I had the coupon, and offered to bring it to him, but he told me to just use it for myself.  I told him I didn’t want to, since it was a “birthday” coupon, and it wasn’t my birthday.  He of course was all “Just use it, nobody will know.”  I kept saying no, and said “What if I go there and that manager dude is there?”  He said “He’s not going to be there, and even if he is just say it’s your husband’s coupon.”

I reluctantly agreed to use it because Hey, free coffee!  Before I go any further, if you don’t know the manager dude I’m referring to, read this post.

I get to the coffee shop, and I have to tell you I was already in a weakened state because I forgot my whole gym bag this morning and almost had a panic attack at the gym when I realized this.  Anywho.  I pull up to the speaker, and this is what happened:


Speaker:  “Hi, welcome to blah, blah, blah…what can I get for you this morning?”

(Oh no, it is him!  What should I do?  I can’t just drive away, or can I?  No, don’t do that, he’ll see you and you’ll look like a total spaz!  Maybe he won’t recognize me.)

Me:  “I have a coupon for a free grande beverage, can I get a grande skinny frozen mocha?”

Speaker:  “Sure, please pull ahead!”


At this point I’m telling myself not to freak out, but my head keeps screaming “Vagina straw!  Vagina straw!”  So, I pull ahead, roll my window down, and HOLY HELL!  As soon as I roll the window down and stick my arm out to hand him the coupon the coupon flies away!  Gone. With. The. Wind.


Me:  “Oh shit.”

Manager Dude:  “Bahahahaha!  That’s ok!  I’ll go get it, don’t worry about it!”

Me:  “I’m so sorry!”

Manager Dude:  “It’s ok!  Happy Birthday!  When was your birthday?!”

(Birthday?  What birthday?  It’s not my birthday.  Oh, the birthday coupon.  What do I say?)

Me:  “Oh, it was yesterday.”

(Ugh.  Why did you lie?  You weren’t supposed to lie.  I think he recognizes me…damnit, why couldn’t Shawn have let me get a new car?  Maybe he wouldn’t have recognized me in a different car.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, Happy Birthday!  What did you do?”

Me:  “Oh, I went to work, that was about it.”

(Ok, that part is true.)

Manager Dude:  “What?  Why didn’t you take the day off for your birthday?”

(Seriously?  Seriously?)

Me:  “I only work Tuesdays and Thursdays, so it was my day to work, no big deal though!”

(Ha, no big deal, since it wasn’t even your birthday!  Liar, liar, pants on fire!  Vagina Straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, what did you do after work?  Did you go out to eat?”

(Is it too late to just drive away?)

Me:  “No, my daughter has strep throat, so we just stayed home and ate pizza.”

(Again, this is true, but why did I have to bring up my daughter?  Vagina straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, are you going to go out to eat this weekend?”

Me:  “Yes, we’re going out on Sunday with my parents.”

(This is also true.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, where are you going to go?”

(Are you fucking kidding me?  Why do you even care?  Just please give me my coffee, so I can drive away and never see you again!)

Me:  “I don’t really know yet.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, when it was my birthday we went to…oh, where did we go?  Oh yeah, Grand Rapids Brewing Company.  Have you been there?  There’s also Blue Water Grille, have you been there?”

(I wonder if he will shut up if I pretend to have a seizure?)

Me:  “No, I haven’t been to either of those places.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, those are both great places.  The Blue Water Grille has a deck, and it’s right on a lake!  Ok, well your drink will be right out!”

(Oh, thank you baby Jesus!  He’s walking away, I think he’s done talking.)


There has to be a moral to this story, but I’m not sure what it is.  Don’t use someone else’s free birthday coffee coupon?  Don’t lie?  Don’t go through the coffee drive-thru on a windy day?  Wait a minute.  I’ve got it.  Don’t listen to your husband!  Yup, I blame him.


Ian said...

What was this fucker hitting on you or something? Next time tell him you are a hormonal raging lesbian who hates men. That'll teach em. Vagina straw?

Hillary said...

How uncomfortable!!! I feel like it always goes like that, one thing followed by another.

At least the coffee was free!!!

Was it worth it?

Baby Wanted said...

LOL! Girl, I love you to pieces! You crack me up like no other! I clicked over to your link and the vagina straw made me choke on my water (it came out of my nose, thank you very much)!

Erin said...

I think he was hitting on you. But I hate when people like that won't just shut the hell up. give me my damn drink and be done with it!!!

Melissa said...

I had to go back and read the "original story" about putting the hole in the vagina. This coffee store sure sounds like a great place for generating blog stories! These things are just priceless!

Kara@Pickerill Prattle said...

So funny! What an awkward situation! Have a great weekend!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

The things that happen to you are so fun to read about!!!

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

hahhaha I love crack me up!

Taylor said...

Laughing out loud at the "vagina straw" post! And yes, he was definitely hitting on you!

Cara Smith said...

I always manage to look really uncomfortable, so I can typically avoid people like that trying to talk to me. Usually!

Mrs. Howell said...

I am crying. Gawd. . .that is so funny! I hadn't read the "other" post so I got a double shot of coffee stories. Oh my.

Corrie and Phil said...

Only you, Tami! I could see the whole exchange, and I'm sure you had a "friendly" smile on your face as your mind was screaming, "I want to kill this guy!"

I have to say that your blog is the only "wordy" blog that holds my attention. I love your stories, I love your voice, and I love seeing when you have a new post.

mama's smitten said...

Ha! God is just providing you with great blogging material to keep us entertained!

Jessica said...

If all else fails, blame a man. I'm sticking to that.

Miss S said...

Oh my god! I would have died! Especially after the 'vagina straw' incident (I just read that entry), you poor thing!

blueviolet said...

What was with Talky McTalkington? Hoenstly! Shut up!

Sara said...

Wow. Totally awkward!! So weird. At least you got the free coffee!!

Jenny.Lee said...


Amanda M. said...

OMG. I was in THE.CRABBIEST.MOOD. tonight and this post (coupled with the V-Straw) story made me laugh OUT LOUD. REALLY HARD!

Meghan said...

Umm, awkward and weird. I hate when people talk to you for the sake of talking. Grr.

* Tyly * said...

Oh man, your stories never cease to crack me up!

As far as recipes go, I don't really do anything too exciting. I'll make whole wheat noodles and layer them with spaghetti sauce, different chicken {grilled or breaded}, cheeses, sometimes turkey pepperoni, etc. I just play with the different layers and ingredients, but they usually end up pretty good. Kind of hard to mess up pasta, chicken and cheese! :)

Tracie said...

He has diarrhea of the mouth - an affliction I'm all too familiar with. And I would totally blame my husband for that - and everything else, too.

* Tyly * said...

I'm not glad that happened to your deck, but I am glad that we aren't the only ones!

It seemed like such an easy task! WRONG. I hate the money we threw away on the attempt and now the money that will be spent on the repair. Ugh.

WTF Lowe's?! So they lied to us both about the colors. Douchebags.

Michelle said...

Hysterical! OMG the random vagina straw insertions were killing me. And I was just CRINGING at every question, yelling in my head, "OMG leave that poor girl alone & quit asking questions!"

Jenni said...

hahahaha oh you poor dear! This is the kind of thing I would totally expect to happen to me!

d.a.r. said...

omg how hilarious!! that is so what I would have been thinking through that whole experience, too!! Hahah!

at least you got a free coffee :)

Lil' Woman said...

Lol...the vagina straw kept me laughing and seriously what was that dude's much?