Don’t make me do this.

This morning I was looking through my purse when I found a coupon of Shawn’s for a free coffee.  The coupon was sent to him for his birthday.  I called him to tell him I had the coupon, and offered to bring it to him, but he told me to just use it for myself.  I told him I didn’t want to, since it was a “birthday” coupon, and it wasn’t my birthday.  He of course was all “Just use it, nobody will know.”  I kept saying no, and said “What if I go there and that manager dude is there?”  He said “He’s not going to be there, and even if he is just say it’s your husband’s coupon.”

I reluctantly agreed to use it because Hey, free coffee!  Before I go any further, if you don’t know the manager dude I’m referring to, read this post.

I get to the coffee shop, and I have to tell you I was already in a weakened state because I forgot my whole gym bag this morning and almost had a panic attack at the gym when I realized this.  Anywho.  I pull up to the speaker, and this is what happened:

 

Speaker:  “Hi, welcome to blah, blah, blah…what can I get for you this morning?”

(Oh no, it is him!  What should I do?  I can’t just drive away, or can I?  No, don’t do that, he’ll see you and you’ll look like a total spaz!  Maybe he won’t recognize me.)

Me:  “I have a coupon for a free grande beverage, can I get a grande skinny frozen mocha?”

Speaker:  “Sure, please pull ahead!”

 

At this point I’m telling myself not to freak out, but my head keeps screaming “Vagina straw!  Vagina straw!”  So, I pull ahead, roll my window down, and HOLY HELL!  As soon as I roll the window down and stick my arm out to hand him the coupon the coupon flies away!  Gone. With. The. Wind.

 

Me:  “Oh shit.”

Manager Dude:  “Bahahahaha!  That’s ok!  I’ll go get it, don’t worry about it!”

Me:  “I’m so sorry!”

Manager Dude:  “It’s ok!  Happy Birthday!  When was your birthday?!”

(Birthday?  What birthday?  It’s not my birthday.  Oh, the birthday coupon.  What do I say?)

Me:  “Oh, it was yesterday.”

(Ugh.  Why did you lie?  You weren’t supposed to lie.  I think he recognizes me…damnit, why couldn’t Shawn have let me get a new car?  Maybe he wouldn’t have recognized me in a different car.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, Happy Birthday!  What did you do?”

Me:  “Oh, I went to work, that was about it.”

(Ok, that part is true.)

Manager Dude:  “What?  Why didn’t you take the day off for your birthday?”

(Seriously?  Seriously?)

Me:  “I only work Tuesdays and Thursdays, so it was my day to work, no big deal though!”

(Ha, no big deal, since it wasn’t even your birthday!  Liar, liar, pants on fire!  Vagina Straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, what did you do after work?  Did you go out to eat?”

(Is it too late to just drive away?)

Me:  “No, my daughter has strep throat, so we just stayed home and ate pizza.”

(Again, this is true, but why did I have to bring up my daughter?  Vagina straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, are you going to go out to eat this weekend?”

Me:  “Yes, we’re going out on Sunday with my parents.”

(This is also true.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, where are you going to go?”

(Are you fucking kidding me?  Why do you even care?  Just please give me my coffee, so I can drive away and never see you again!)

Me:  “I don’t really know yet.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, when it was my birthday we went to…oh, where did we go?  Oh yeah, Grand Rapids Brewing Company.  Have you been there?  There’s also Blue Water Grille, have you been there?”

(I wonder if he will shut up if I pretend to have a seizure?)

Me:  “No, I haven’t been to either of those places.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, those are both great places.  The Blue Water Grille has a deck, and it’s right on a lake!  Ok, well your drink will be right out!”

(Oh, thank you baby Jesus!  He’s walking away, I think he’s done talking.)

 

There has to be a moral to this story, but I’m not sure what it is.  Don’t use someone else’s free birthday coffee coupon?  Don’t lie?  Don’t go through the coffee drive-thru on a windy day?  Wait a minute.  I’ve got it.  Don’t listen to your husband!  Yup, I blame him.