Perfect.

Today was a perfect Saturday. Well, almost perfect. The only thing keeping it from true perfection was that I got up at 6:30 and it was negative 10 degrees when I left the house! (Side note: the day after my last post Lainey actually woke up at 3:30 am. Awesome.)

My day started out with my 90 minute endurance spin class.

I was hardcore today. Spin shoes: check. Two water bottles: check. Heart rate monitor: check. The only thing missing was padded bike shorts. I previously didn’t think I needed padded shorts, but I realized today that I was dead wrong. After about 60 minutes, my vagina was killing me. Actually, I think it was my pubic bone, but I just wanted to say vagina. Today’s class was much easier than last time. It was all endurance, meaning maintaining a constant heart rate for approximately the whole 90 minutes. By the end of the class I had burned almost 1000 calories!

After the gym, Lainey went to a birthday bounce party. While she was there we went to the mall and hit up my fave store:

Have I already told you that I heart Banana? Well, I do. Also, it was 25% off everything if you had a Banana, Gap, or Old Navy card. Sweeeet. All, I got was a vest with a long sleeved tee to go under, but it’s seriously dead sexy.

I also popped my Forever 21 cherry. For real, I had never been in there. Since Alivia and Shawn were with me, I knew there was no time to look at clothes, so I headed straight to the jewelry and got this:

Isn’t it bad ass? It’s a freakin’ boom box! I can’t wait to wear it to church tomorrow.

After we picked Lainey up from the germ bounce fest, we went to lunch at:

I love Qdoba. In fact, after we went there I spent the rest of the afternoon saying to Shawn “I love Qdoba. Did I tell you I love Qdoba?” He might have been annoyed after about the second or third time I said it, but I didn’t care. I was too busy day dreaming about the Naked Taco Salad and Chicken Quesadilla I ate. Yes, that sounds like a lot of food, but it was from their new “Craft 2 Menu” which is smaller portions. Not only was it delicious, but it was also free.

After lunch we made a couple other stops, and finally ended up at:

What is it about Target that just makes you want to buy shit? You could go in there to buy Valentine cards and come out with a TV. Which, almost happened. Ok, only sort of. If I would have said okay, I guarantee you Shawn would have catapulted that 50” into the cart faster than you can say cocka doodle doo. Unlucky for him, but lucky for me I hadn’t started drinking this yet:

Which is exactly what I’m doing now. Drinking wine and listening to the Bare Naked Ladies with Alivia and Lainey. Oh, and Lainey just told Shawn if she had a million dollars she would buy a brother. Is that the going rate now?

P.S. I’m laughing my ass off about that boom-box necklace. You know I actually didn’t buy that, right? I’m not sure if this is really that funny, or if it’s the wine talking?

Alarm clocks, noodles, and smart asses.

Have you ever had one of those days when by 8 am you feel like you’ve already put in a full day, and you’re ready for bed…or happy hour at the very least? Today was that day.

Every M, W, F, morning starts out with my 4 year old alarm clock yelling “Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!” I shouldn’t complain about today though, since the alarm woke up at 6:10 this morning, whereas Monday morning it was 5:00! Yes, 5 am. Aka, “the butt crack of dawn.”

Can we just talk about this for a second? What are you supposed to do with a 4 year old at 5 am? I mean, you can’t really give her a bottle, and put her back to bed. Or, can you?

So, let’s just say the bottle thing doesn’t pan out, what are my other options? How old do you have to be to get your own breakfast? These are the questions I need a parenting handbook for.

Lucky for me Daddy was still there this morning, but he didn’t stumble out of the bathroom until I had already made it down to Thing 1 and Thing 2’s bedroom. For 1/2 a second I thought about asking him what he was still doing there. Fortunately, I thought better of it, and just headed straight back to bed.

This is where things went downhill. I overslept. Normally, it wouldn’t be considered oversleeping, but the girl’s stupid lovely school changed their schedule and starting this week they start 15 minutes earlier. Personally, I think this is something that should have been discussed with those of us who live 1/2 hour away, and like to sleep in, but maybe that’s just me.

Fast-forward to 8 am when we should already be in the car and on the road, but I can’t find my gray boots anywhere, and Alivia has decided she doesn’t remember how to tie her shoes anymore. I give in and tie the damn shoes (double knotting them to save the sanity of her teacher) and shoo them into the car, so I can scream get my coffee in peace.

It was at this point that I decided instead of screaming I would sing a happy song, and hopefully change my attitude for the day. The first song that I could think of was this:

“Sunny days, sweepin’ the clouds a-way,

on my way to where the AIR IS SWEET (I really belted that part out),

Can you tell me how to get, how to get to…”

And then I stopped. Whoa. I was singing the Sesame Street theme song. I was asking for directions on how to get to Sesame Street.

I thought to myself, “What if I sing those words, and in some sick perverted joke by the universe, I end up on Sesame Street?” With my luck I’d end up in Elmo’s world with that damn Mr. Noodle.

I really don’t mind Sesame Street, but I can’t stand that Noodle. Why does he always have to act like such a douche bag?

Come to think of it, most of the adults on that show act like douches. Maybe it’s a requirement. Or, maybe that’s just what happens to you after you work there. They should put a bar on the set of Sesame Street for the adult characters, maybe if they were a little intoxicated they would be less douchey.

So yeah. That’s pretty much how my day started. And, no, I never finished singing the words to the song. I just couldn't chance it.

P.S. When we were driving home from school this afternoon, there was a smart car next to me on the highway. I thought about running it over, and then afterwards I would say to the lady, “Not so smart anymore, huh?”

Happy 101

Hey guess what?  I’m famous again!  Ok, not really.  But, I did get this award from Semi-slacker Mom, who is actually anything but a slacker.  Apparently, I am supposed to list 10 things that make me happy, so without further ado…

1.  My Family.This includes my whole entire family too, even my parent’s who if they tell me one more time about how a drunk lady threw up right in front of them at the Brad Paisley concert, I’m going to start blocking their calls. 

2.  Ice Cream.

Specifically, Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream.  Shawn and I just discovered this little gem, and I honestly have no idea how I’ve made it this far in my life without it.  For real.

3.  Sunshine.

 

The sunny days in Michigan during the winter are few and far between, so when the sun does shine everyone seems a little bit happier.

4.  Shopping.  No explanation needed there.

5.  Spinning.You knew I was going to say that though, right?  Come on, I didn’t want to disappoint you!

6.  Reality TV.

I mentioned most of my reality TV faves last weekend, but I realized I left out “Tough Love” on VH1, which I love love love!  Is anyone else watching?

7.  Daughters who are 21 months apart.

Finding out you’re pregnant with #2 after #1 just turned one can be kind of a kick in the crotch…but, now that they’re 4 and 6 and can play upstairs all afternoon without  even making a peep, now that is priceless.  Mind you, I said they don’t make a peep, but there is occasional crashing of furniture and stomping of feet…but as long as they leave me out of it, it’s all good.

8.  Date Night with my hubby.  These are few and far between, but in less than two weeks we are going away for a whole weekend by ourselves!  Our kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, right?

9.  Working.  Yes, I said working.  I only work two days a week though, so who couldn’t be happy about that?  Especially when you make it as much fun as I do!

*Bonus points for anyone who is not in the medical field, but knows what that is!

10.  Blogging, like duh.  Even though my husband thinks I waste a lot of time on the computer writing my blogs, and reading yours, it still makes me happy!  P.S. Occasionally throwing him under the bus on my blog makes me kinda happy too.

And now, 10 bloggers who make me happy (even though you all make me happy):

1.  Jill at "The Young and the Precious"

2.  Amy at "Goodbye 20's...Hello Botox!"

3.  Hillary at "Running with Sanders"

4.  Kelsey at "Lavender, Leopard, and Lace"

5.  Jen at "A Tale of Two Coins"

6.  Christa at "According to Christa..."

7.  Llama at "Llama Tales"

8.  Mama's Smitten

9.  Just Another Day in Paradise

10.  Leah

For the love of cookies.

Guess what Bitches?

Do you know what that means?  Well, if you’re a mother of a 6 year old “Daisy Scout” then you might know.  It means Alivia does nothing, and Shawn & I drive all over God’s green Earth pimpin’ these things so hopefully she can reach her goal of 200 boxes and earn a freakin’ stuffed panda.  Seriously.

It also means that the “cookie incident” will brought up again.  I think my co-workers might be the only ones who know about this travesty, so thus far the mocking has been limited to them.  Not for long though, because in the spirit of Girl Scout Cookie sales, I’m going to share the story with you.

A few years ago, one of the anesthesiologists I work with brought in an order form for Girl Scout Cookies for his daughter.  All of the nurses ordered some, because come on, even skinny bitches eat Girl Scout Cookies!  I was ridiculously excited with my purchase, because this was my first time ordering cookies.  Don’t get me wrong, I had eaten my fair share of Samoas and Thin Mints, but up until then they were always ordered and purchased by my Mom.

So, I ordered the cookies in January, and they weren’t going to come in until mid to late March.  What month is in between January and March?  February.  Who cares, right?  Well, I’m Catholic and Lent starts in February.  Due to a permanent brief lapse in sanity, that year I gave up chocolate for Lent.  This was a huge sacrifice for me, because I heart:

and

and

No worries though, because by March I was totally going strong and committed to my sacrifice.  But, then it happened.  I walked into work one day, and there they were right outside of my locker.

Shit.  I had forgotten all about the cookies.  How could I do that?  My co-workers were all laughing at me because they knew this was going to be bad. 

I had to stay strong though.  So, I brought the boxes home and I used packing tape to tape them all together!   I stacked them up, and went round and round with the tape, probably 10 times.  My husband was a little disgusted, but if I wasn’t eating Girl Scout Cookies, then no one was eating Girl Scout Cookies!  Then I stuck them on the very top shelf in a kitchen cupboard, where I had to climb up and stand on the countertop to get them.  Ha!  Take that cookies!

I think a couple weeks went by, and the cookies didn’t budge.  Everyday at work though the other nurses would just sit there at lunch licking their fingers, enjoying every last bite of their cookie goodness.

Then, one day I broke.  I don’t know what happened.  Maybe I had a fight with Shawn, maybe I was PMSing, maybe my kids were up all night…I can’t really remember. 

All I remember is speeding home from work (I seriously didn’t even stop to pick my kids up at daycare because I knew they couldn’t watch what was about to happen) with one thought on my mind:  Cookies.

It took me all of one second to launch myself onto the countertop and grab those things from the top shelf.  My hands were shaking, and my mouth was watering.  But, no matter how hard I tried I could not get that damn packing tape off.  Scissors didn’t work.  My teeth did nothing.  As a last resort, I grabbed a knife and stabbed at them.  Yes people, I went Lorena Bobbitt on a box (or 10) of Girl Scout Cookies.  Who does that?

And the rest, as they say, is history.  I think I ate a whole roll of Thin Mints, half a box of Samoas, and maybe a few Tagalongs.  When I was done, I taped them back up and put them on the shelf again.  I didn’t tell Shawn, but a few days later he did notice the cookie box carnage in the cupboard. 

At some point (during another moment of weakness) I did tell the girls at work.  To say they have never let me live it down would be an understatement.

Um, yeah.  That was my first and last time ordering Girl Scout Cookies.  Until now, of course.  So, happy Girl Scout Cookie season everyone!  And, if you want to order some, you know who to call!

Mercy me.

Ok, am I the only one watching this show?

Please tell me I’m not, because if I’m the only one watching, then it might get cancelled! I heart this show, and I’m not usually a fan of medical dramas.  I do not watch “Grey’s” (isn’t that what you die-hards call it?  “Grey’s?”).  I only watched “ER” when it first started, and I won’t even talk about “Scrubs.”

I think I love this show because it’s about nurses.  Yes, some of the scenarios are unrealistic.  For instance, one week they had a patient on there who got a hand transplant, and he later found out the hand came from a child molester.  In the end, he actually locked himself in an OR, and cut the hand off!  Totally gross!  So, yes, that was completely unrealistic, but it did make me think.   

There are funny parts to the show too, and definitely some sad parts.  I usually cry every week, but that’s just me. 

So, there I was watching it on Wednesday night, and at the end of the show they say, “Stay tuned for scenes from an all new episode of Mercy coming in two weeks.”  What?!  I hate it when they do that!  I don’t want to wait two weeks!  I immediately started dropping F bombs, but then I hear “There will also be a new cast member joining in 2 weeks.”

Ok, you have my attention now.  And then it happened.  What happened?  This is what flashed on the tv:

My jaw hit the floor, and I whispered “Dawson.”  Then, Shawn said “No.  It’s James Vanderbeek.”  And I said, “No.  It’s Dawson.” 

I think he protested again with his whole “it’s James Vanderbeek” shpeal, but I wasn’t listening.  I was too busy saying “OMG, OMG, it’s Dawson!  Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any better, then there is Dawson!”

Just in case for some obscene reason you don’t know what I’m talking about, this is what I’m talking about:

I feel obligated to tell you that while I was drooling over Dawson, and my husband was mumbling about James Vanderbeek, I was wearing my new heart monitor for spin class.  At one point I looked down and I was totally tachycardic!  I pointed this out to Shawn, saying “look what Dawson does to me!”  At that point, he said “WTF?” and stomped out of the room.  Hater.  

P.S.  I was wearing the heart monitor so I could see how many calories I burned eating ice cream. 

Let’s chew the fat.

Is anybody watching Biggest Loser?  For whatever reason, I don’t care as much for the show when they do “couples.”  What do you think?

This post was originally going to be about the people who have been kicked off, but I just have to talk about something else first.  Melissa!

If you’re watching the show, then you know that last week Melissa and her husband had immunity and when they weighed in she had gained a pound.  When she gained a pound, she acted totally surprised!  Bob & Jillian said she was just “playing the game,” which was fine but they wished she would just admit to it. 

Now, this week only Melissa’s husband’s weight counted for their percentage to be above the yellow line.  And surprise, surprise!  She only lost one pound.  When she saw the one pound she started talking about how discouraged she was and how she just wanted to go out and “eat a cheeseburger!”  Bob & Jillian got pissed and told her they knew she “threw” the weigh-in and wished she would just admit to it!  It escalated from there and Melissa said she was being honest, and didn’t like being called a liar, and blah blah blah.

So, what do you think?  I totally think she threw it, but my husband seems to disagree.  Come on, at one point when they were yelling at her she was actually smirking!

Ok, onto what I was originally posting about!  Last week and this week, one of the mothers got kicked off.  When I saw last week that it was a mother and daughter going to elimination, I was really worried.  Do you remember the season last year with Helen and her daughter?

   (do they look eerily like the pink team this season, or is it just me?)

On that season when Helen and her daughter were below the yellow line, Helen stayed and her daughter went home.  That made me SO mad!  What made me mad was that when it came time for both of them to talk to the other players and say their opinion on who should stay, Helen only fought for herself.  Her daughter tearfully said her mom should stay too.  I don’t care how fat you are, or what you have going on at home, if you are on the show with your kid, then you fight for them to stay!  That is your job as a parent.  Ugh.  After that happened I could never root for Helen.

So, last week when the purple team (mother/daughter) was up for elimination I was so afraid that it would be a replay of Helen and her daughter.  I may have even yelled at the TV.  I may have said, “I don’t care if you can’t feel your feet (the mom had diabetic neuropathy), you go home!  And your daughter stays!”  And, phew.  That’s what happened, the mother never even thought twice about asking them to keep her daughter there.  It was the same scenario last night with Maria and Michael.

I was so glad that both these moms (and the other players) did the right thing.  When you have a child that’s what you do, it’s like the law. 

One more thing…  What’s up with Jillian’s boobs?  She is showing more cleavage than ever this season, but her boobs are just weird.  Like saggy old lady boobs, or something.

P.S.  Bob Harper is still hot, and I almost want to gain weight so I can go on the show and “hug it out” with him.  I’m just sayin’.

Weekend Update…or not.

I don’t usually do weekend updates, because let’s face it, my weekends are boring.  However, this week I was going to do a weekend update because something fantabulous was going to happen.  But, it didn’t.

On Saturdays there is a 90 minute endurance spin class at the gym, which I have been wanting to go to for a long time.  It’s a paid class though, and I never signed up because I am lazy and like to sleep in was afraid I wouldn’t make it every week, and didn’t want to waste money.  I found out last week though, that if you show up the day of the class and pay $8, then you’re totally in!

So, we woke up at the butt crack of dawn, because our gym is 1/2 hour away, and what do you know?  We were still 5 minutes late.  Oh well, I was still in because the teacher is cool like that, and I think she still feels bad for making me puke that day.

So, there I was with my bad ass spin shoes, thinking this was going to be a walk in the park.  Um.  Yeah.  I was wrong.  Way wrong.

First of all, everyone else in there (besides me) was hardcore.  I don’t know exactly what they were all hardcore at, I just know that they were.  Trust me.  They all had two water bottles, were wearing padded bike shorts, and had a heart rate monitor.  All I had was the shoes.  But, I was a little bit proud of the shoes.

Second of all, it turns out it was an endurance class, but not so much on the first day of the class.  The first thing she had us do was to ride as fast and hard as we could for 5 minutes.  5 whole minutes.  She said it needed to be an “all out effort.”  Then she asked what “all out effort meant?”  And a dude in the back yelled out, “Heart Attack!”  And she yelled said, “Yes!”  It was at that point that I knew I was screwed.

Somehow I made it through the class (without puking!), and when we were stretching at the end the instructor asked me what I was training for?  I told her I wasn’t training for anything.  She said I had to be.  Apparently, people don’t come to a 90 minute spin class just so they can leave and eat one of these:

Which is exactly what I did.  This is where things get bad.  This is where the fantabulous thing that was going to happen on Saturday night went right out the window.  All for a donut.

Saturday was my friend Abbie’s birthday.  A group of girls was all going to go to Mega 80’s at the Intersection in Grand Rapids.

Everyone I know who has gone to this has said it is the Best. Time. Ever.  I even bought a new shirt, which my daughter told me today I “wasted.”

As it turns out 90 minutes of spin, followed by a chocolate custard filled donut do not mix well.  Who knew?

So, I ended up in bed all day watching:

 

and

Good times.  I actually feel a little bit dumber today after watching all that.  There is some good news though.  While I was laying there rotting my brain, I had a revelation. 

I was thinking about Heidi (spin instructor) asking me what I was training for.  And, I thought why don’t I train for something?  I’ve been wanting to do a 25K or 1/2 marathon, but I can’t run outside in the winter and running on the treadmill makes me homicidal, so that’s out.  I can run a short distance on the treadmill, and clearly I can spin (well, kind of), so where does that leave me?

Triathlon?!  Hel-lo?  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?  Except, I can’t swim.  That presents a problem.

However, when I was looking up triathlons, I found out about duathlons!  A “duathlon” is run, bike, run.  I can do that!  I was all ready to sign up for one, and then I realized I don’t have a bike.  Ok, well I’ll just buy one.

Yeah, right.  The cheapest one I could find that I liked was $780.00.  So, I formulated a plan.  I asked Shawn if he would be my sponsor.  He thought I meant a sponsor for AA, so he said yes (which I find odd).  When I told him that I wanted him to sponsor me in a race and buy me a bike he said, No.  He claims he already gives me all his money, so how would it be any different?  He might have a point. 

Lucky for me, I came up with a better plan today, and it just might work.  And, no, it doesn’t involve me wearing the Victoria’s Secret bras which made me look like a stripper.  It doesn’t involve selling plasma either, which is what Shawn told me to do.

So, I’m hoping on June 27 I will be doing this:

 

I didn’t sign up yet, but I’m hoping that if I put it out here in the blogosphere, that you all will hold me accountable?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Several bloggers have emailed me wanting to know my “weight loss secrets,” and since this happens to be today’s topic at Kelly's Korner, I’m finally going to oblige.

Oh, and if you were one of those people who emailed me, I apologize for not getting back to you. It’s not that I was ignoring you, it’s just that I didn’t feel like I had any advice to give because there really isn’t a weight loss secret! I will tell you what worked for me though…

Get on the Scale! This seems simple enough, right? When I was gaining weight I hated to get on the scale because I didn’t want to know how fat I was. But, in order to see your progress, you have to know your starting point. My scale also calculates body fat, which is nice because as you build muscle you might occasionally gain weight. So, with the body fat scale you will be able to see that even if your weight goes up, your body fat may have gone down!

Set Reasonable Goals! My goal was to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday, and I set this goal on my 29th birthday, so I had a whole year to do it. Giving myself a year made it easier because there were certainly ups and downs where I gained instead of lost, but I didn’t get discouraged knowing I still had plenty of time to reach my goal.

Try on your skinny clothes. Yes, this sounds weird, but just listen. The summer before I started exercising I was cleaning out my closet and I found a pair of shorts, which definitely did not fit. I squeeeeezed myself into them, and then went over to my husband and said, "Hey Shawn, check it out! Fat girl in little shorts!" I think he threw up in his mouth, but oh well. Over the next year, I would periodically get that one pair of shorts out and try them on. It was a great way to track my progress, and by the end of last summer I put them on and they fell right off!

Exercise! If I had to give one weight loss “secret,” exercise would definitely be it! You can use a calculator like this to determine how many calories you need to burn everyday to lose or maintain your current weight. I know gym memberships are expensive, mine is $95/month (!), but you don’t need a gym to exercise. Let me guess? You don’t like to run, or it’s cold where you live so you can’t workout outside right now? That’s okay! My husband can vouch for the fact that during the winter I have been known to run up and down our stairs for exercise! I don’t just mean a couple times either. I would have my husband set a timer and I would run the stairs for 5 minutes at a time, and in between I would do jumping jacks for a minute. And, before I had hand weights, I did arm curls with soup cans!

If running your stairs and lifting soup cans might get you a stint in a mental ward, then get an exercise DVD. The absolute best DVD I have is the “Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.”

This DVD is only $8.99 right now at Amazon, and trust me, it’s worth Every. Single. Penny. I consider myself to be in very good cardiovascular shape and this DVD still kicks my arse every time!

Lift Weights. I know weights can be intimidating, especially the weight machines at the gym, but building muscle is very important in order to lose and then maintain that weight. Did you know that one pound of muscle burns an additional 35-50 calories/day? Studies have also shown that weight training increases your metabolic rate! Oh, and women, don’t worry about getting bulky from lifting weights. Why? Women do not have enough of the male hormone, testosterone, to get big muscles. Trust me, my arms are totally ripped, but you can’t really tell unless I flex. Just ask Hillary and Amber, they were practically begging me to flex my triceps last summer while we were trying on clothes at Banana Republic!

Get off your Butt! Yeah, yeah, I know…this goes along with exercise. However, I’m talking about during your regular daily activities. When I work and I’m circulating in the OR, there is lots of time to sit down during cases. But, why sit when you could stand? Standing or moving around burns more calories!

Count calories and write it down! This sounds simple too, but I bet some of you have NO idea how many calories you’ve consumed today. Ignorance is bliss, right? Once you’ve looked at the calories you might realize, Hey, maybe this is why I’m getting so fat? Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to survive on carrots sticks and celery to lose weight. If you drink pop, then change to Diet pop. That alone can cut a lot of calories since one 12 oz can of regular coke has 140 calories! You’re a chocoholic? Hello, you’re preaching to the choir! Nobody likes chocolate more than me, so stock up on these:

One disclaimer though. 100 calorie snacks are useless if you eat 3 or 4 at a time. My sister tried this, and it doesn’t work.

The Internet is your Friend. If you like to go out to eat, like me, you can usually check out the restaurant’s menu ahead of time on their website. Even if they don’t list the nutritional facts on their website, try Googling the item you want to order or the restaurant and 99% of the time you can find the nutritional information that way. Being prepared ahead of time will keep you from freaking out at the restaurant and feeling like you have to order water and lettuce. You can also use the internet to find training programs, food and exercise logs, and basically anything and everything you need to help you reach your goals.

Try something new. After you’ve been working out for a long time you will probably get bored. When you get bored, you might want to quit. When you quit, you get fat. End of story. So, don’t get bored! Try training for a race (start with a 5K if you’re not a runner), get a new workout DVD, or join a group fitness class. Getting bored is actually how I found spinning, which I now love!

Go to the doctor. If you’ve been working out consistently, and counting your calories and you’re still not losing weight, there could be a medical reason. Sometimes, something as simple as getting your thyroid checked can reveal the answer! When I started exercising over a year ago I literally could not lose a pound. I went to the doctor, and decided to go off all of the medicines I was taking. Almost all of them caused weight gain with long term use. I did go on different meds though, and I may or may not have stretched the truth to get on one medicine which actually has a side effect of weight loss!

Do. Not. Diet. Whenever I hear a family member, friend, or co-worker say they are going on a “diet,” I just want to scream! You don’t need a diet. You need a lifestyle change. Do not start any exercise program or diet that you can’t maintain for the rest of your life. You don’t agree with me? Ok, well how long did you keep off those 3-5 pounds you lost on the 2 week Special K Diet?

Don’t Give Up! There will definitely be weeks where you don’t lose any weight, or where you might even gain. Don’t get discouraged, and don’t beat yourself up. If I can lose weight, then you can too! I know you’re thinking, yeah right you weren’t overweight to begin with. Okay, well I wasn’t morbidly obese, I’ll give you that. Yes, it’s easier for someone who is 20 pounds overweight to work out, than it is for someone who is 100 pounds overweight. However, at my weight I had to workout twice as hard to lose weight as the morbidly obese person does.

So, there you have it (and I’m sorry it was so long)! Those are my tips on how I became a Skinny Bitch. Well, actually those were just my tips on getting skinny, I’m a Bitch all on my own!

Mrs. Roth to the principal’s office, please.

Everyone has seen “The Blind Side,” right?  If you haven’t, then what’s your problem?

Do you remember the part where Michael calls Leanne “Mrs. Tuohy” and she says, “You can call me Leanne or Mama, but don’t call me Mrs. Tuohy.  When I hear Mrs. Tuohy I look over my shoulder for my mother-in-law.”

When we saw the movie, Shawn looked at me and chuckled during that part because he knows I hate being called “Mrs. Roth.”

It was only within the last year and a half when Alivia started elementary school that I became “Mrs. Roth.”  I’m not sure why, but it never occurred to me that my children’s friends would call me this. 

It’s not just the kids either.  It’s the teachers, and the principal!  Now, I know the principal because I’m on the Home & School Board/Committee, so can’t he at least call me by my first name?

It’s not that I have anything against my husband’s last name, it’s just that it isn’t mine.  It’s a good last name for him, and even for my kids, but just not for me.  When we got married, I didn’t even want to change my last name, but when I told Shawn this he acted like I was cutting off his left nut.  Like I said, it’s nothing personal, and I wasn’t trying to make any sort of statement, but my old last name was just…better. 

My maiden name was Moon.  Now, is that a totally bad ass last name, or what?  My sister-in-law’s name is Mary, so now her name is Mary Moon, awesome!  She even has a song about her!

As a side note, when they got married, the DJ did not even play this song!  He didn’t even have it with him!  When I called him out on it (which you know I did), he said he didn’t even make the connection until he was there at the reception, and then he laughed.  Hardy, har, har.  Thanks for nothing.   

So, anyway.  Do I have to accept this whole “Mrs. Roth” thing, or what?  Today, when I was at Alivia’s school I may or may not have told the principal to stop calling me Mrs. Roth.  From what I remember, it may have come out rude.  I think he was asking for it though.  He walked by me in the office and said “Hello Mrs. Roth!  How are you?!”  I looked up and smiled.  Then he said, “That’s all I get?”  To which I replied, “I don’t like being called Mrs. Roth.” 

I really couldn’t believe it even came out of my mouth.  It was at that point, that I was incredibly thankful the principal wasn’t a nun anymore.

What’s the secret?

A few months ago I posted about a situation at the Gap where they didn’t have my size, and the lady told me there were no smaller sizes (like in the whole wide world). I later found the item online, and ordered it in the next smaller size, which ended up being a 00. I am definitely not a 00, I am more likely a 2. But whatever, if the skirt fits, wear it! (It really was a skirt, ha!)

But, my question is this…why can’t stores just size their clothes according to your actual size? Why in an effort to make people feel better about themselves did they change the sizing of clothes? A doctor that I work with once joked that his wife was a size 2 when they got married 25 years ago and she’s still a size 2, but only because what used to be a size 6 is now a size 2!

Ok, onto Victoria’s Secret. Is it possible that they are doing this too? With your boob size? Come on now, if you’re an A cup, you have to know. You don’t just go into Victoria’s Secret one day and suddenly you’re a B cup, and you believe it. Your boobs didn’t grow, and you know it.

Just after Christmas I went to Victoria’s Secret to get some new bras. I picked my size up off the shelf, tried them on, and every single one of them looked like this:

I was completely busting out of the top of every single bra, no matter what the cup fit was! After the 3rd bra, I turned the call light on for the sales woman to help me. She (unhappily) went and got the next bigger cup size, but it was the same thing. When I showed her the “situation” she said, “I actually think that’s a pretty good fit.” What? Yeah, a pretty good fit for a hooker.

I stupidly ended up buying 2, to see if I felt any different about them when I got them home. I still felt like a prostitute, but what do you know? Shawn thought they were a good fit too!

So, I ended up taking them back, and ordering the same exact bras I had before from Victoria’s Secret online since they didn’t have them in the store. Well, they came today. And, it’s the same thing. Cleavage, and lots of it. I decided to keep them anyway, just in case I decide to make a career change.

Jumping off the band wagon.

I was going to participate in Kelly's Korner “Show Us How You Live” today, since the theme is “New Year’s Resolutions/Goals” and I haven’t posted about mine yet.

I have enjoyed reading about all of your goals and resolutions for the year, so I thought and thought about what mine should be.  I really, truly did.  Pinky Swear.

The more I thought about it though, the more I felt like New Year’s Resolutions are just pointing out the things I suck at.  There are definitely some things I suck at, but there are also a lot of things I’m good at too.  The things I’m good at take up a lot of time and energy though, so what if I changed a few of those things?  It would not make me a better person at all, but it might be fun for awhile.

1. Exercise Less.  I have spent countless hours in the last year running, spinning, crunching, and weight lifting.  Just think about all the naps I could have taken, books I could have read, or Oreos I could have eaten instead.
2. Eat More.  I gained 30 pounds when I was on my Oreo, M&M, Pizza, Ice Cream, and Diet Coke Diet…I bet I could beat that if I really tried! 
3. Sleep in More.  I don’t really like getting up at 7 am and I see other Mom’s dropping their kids off to school late, so why not me too?  Maybe I could be late for work everyday too?
4. Cook Less.  If I’m being honest here, I only make dinner 5 times a month or less.  But, why not make it zero?
5. Become a bad driver.  I'm thinking about tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, flipping people off, and honking my horn more.  My husband does most of these things, and it looks like a lot of fun.
6. Be less organized and clutter my house up.  By the end of 2010 I would like my house to be enough of a disaster that we could be on the show “Hoarders.” 
7. Drink More.  Have you seen “Intervention” on A & E?  Some of those rehab places they go to look pretty cushy, and I could totally use a vacation!
8. Spend more money.  Starting tomorrow, I’m taking my credit cards out of the freezer, renting a U-Haul, and maxing the cards out.  The U-Haul?  Oh, well it’s for the sectional, stainless steel appliances, dresser, kitchen table, and flat screen TV I’m going to buy.
9. Be frumpier.  Doing my hair, putting my make up on, and putting together a cute outfit take up entirely too much time everyday.  I’m thinking sweat pants are definitely the way to go!
10. Party like a rock star.  Being a wife and mommy is fun, but I never went through a partying stage, so why not start at age 30?  I’m sure my husband won’t mind.

Ok, so that’s it for now.  Please feel free to comment and add your own!  You know want to!

I knew I was…

There is an infamous story between my parent’s and I about a Shark vacuum my Mom bought a few years ago.  I owned a Shark, and my Mom fell in love with it and wanted to purchase one too.  One day, she was at Kohl’s with my Dad and she had some gift cards to spend.  Apparently, my Mom was taking her sweet time, and my Dad was trying to rush her along.  At one point, my Mom said she was almost done shopping, but she still wanted to go look at the Shark vacuum’s and buy one.  In an attempt to move things along, my Dad said he would go grab the vacuum.  He got a vacuum, they paid, and went on their merry way.

The story doesn’t end there though.  Sometime within the next month my Mom was at my house again and saw my Shark vacuum.  It was at that point that she realized my Dad had gotten the very cheapest Shark vacuum.  You could argue that it was an accident, but we all knew it wasn’t, he purposely picked the cheapest one.

Apparently, when my Mom got home she confronted my Dad about it.  My Dad may have found it a little funny.  Rumor has it my mom was so exasperated that she said, “I took one look at Tami’s vacuum and I knew I was F***ed!”

So onto my point.  Have you ever had that happen to you?  You take one look at something, and you immediately know you’re screwed?

Last night I was putting away some magazines, and I saw the cover of the American Girl Doll Magazine which had come in the mail.  Well, I took one look at that magazine and I knew I was screwed.  This was on the cover:

Plastered all over the cover was also, “Introducing the 2010 Doll of the Year, Lanie!”

Yes, I realize the spelling is different, but the doll’s name is still Lainey, no matter how you spell it.  I immediately panicked and hid the magazine.  My kid’s hadn’t seen it yet, so I thought I might be in the clear.  Then I remembered that that magazine comes every couple months.  Can I possibly intercept it every single time?  And, then!  I remembered that we’re going to Atlanta for Spring Break and Shawn’s Aunt (who we’re visiting) already mentioned going to the American Girl Doll store.  We are so screwed.

I’ve already accepted that the doll is as good as ours, it’s only a matter of time.  Shawn says no way.  Upon closer inspection, the doll has green eyes and our Lainey also has green eyes.  The doll also has curly blond hair and bangs, which our Lainey also has.  It’s almost like it’s destiny!  Apparently, Shawn doesn’t believe in destiny. 

I do think the $95 doll did start looking better to him though, when I mentioned this $295 camper and gear, which apparently are all part of “Lanie’s outdoor adventure!”

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Ok, I actually didn’t win anything, I just felt like saying that.  I do feel like I’ve one something though!

Remember the shoe fiasco with Alivia last month? 

The last day of school before Christmas break we went back to the shoe store, and found the Merrell’s on sale for $30.00.  I snatched them up, but wasn’t going to let her wear them right away.  Shawn asked me if she could wear them to school today, and I of course said NO WAY!  I wanted him to call the bus garage one more time, just in case they showed up over Christmas break.  He was totally pissy about it and didn’t see the point, but did agree to do it.

Well, Lo and Behold, they found the shoe!  I’m excited because that’s 30 bucks back in my pocket, and Alivia’s thrilled that she doesn’t have to stack wood with Grandpa to earn the money for the shoes!  However, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m a little concerned as to what condition the shoe will be in when she gets it back tomorrow.

My next stroke of luck today came with my Bosu Ball.I have been using the Bosu ball at the gym for months and really wanted my own for home.  Well, that is, until I found out they were $100!  I thought that was a little extravagant, even for me:)  Lucky me, I got a few Target gift cards for Christmas, and I saw the ball on their website, so I had planned on ordering one.  I’m glad I didn’t though, because it was in their ad this week for $99 and you got a free $20 Target gift card with purchase!  WooHoo!

I bought mine today, blew it up myself and have already done a few arm curls!  I won’t mention that at the time I was also alternately reaching in my sweatshirt pocket to eat M&M’s which I was hiding from my kids.  That little fact is just not important.

And, last but not least, who likes flavored coffee creamer?

I do!  I do!  What would you do if I said I got 8 of these 16 oz flavored (liquid) creamers for $1.50?  That’s $1.50 total!  For reals!  They are on sale this week at Meijer (that’s Meijer, not Meijer’s people!) for $0.99, and if you go to Coffee Mate’s website you can get coupons for $1.00 off one and $1.50 off two.  Now, we don’t normally hoard things like coffee creamer, but we seriously felt like we’d won the lottery!  And, we don’t even drink coffee!  Just kidding, we do.

If my luck the last two days is any indication of how my year is going to be, it’s definitely going to be a great one!