The law of the Tooth Fairy.

Alivia is the youngest child in her class.  I caught flak from a few people when we started her in kindergarten at age 4, but I told them to go to Hell.  She turned 5 in November, so no big deal, right?  She and I have the same birthday, and I started school at 4 too, and I did just fine.

I honestly don’t even remember noticing that I was younger.  Yes, I was the last of my friends to get my driver’s license.  Yes, I started college when I was 17.  Yes, I had to lie about my age to get my tongue pierced when I was a freshman in college.  Again, I don’t remember caring about any of these things.

Alivia, though?  She’s pissed.  Why?  Well, to start, last year in kindergarten they made an “age” graph.  They made the graph in early October, so she was the only 4 year old.  While that doesn’t sound like a big deal, it was.  Trust me, it wasn’t pretty.  It was so devastating, it almost ended her kindergarten career.  Luckily, the next month she turned 5, and she got over it.

This year, she has a new fixation.  Teeth.  Yes people, teeth.  According to her, she is the only child in her class who hasn’t lost a tooth!  I have been hearing about this for months, and then a few weeks ago her teacher had the kids make a diagram of all their teeth.  Thus, driving home the point that Alivia is the only one with all her baby teeth.  What is it with these teachers and their damn graphs and diagrams?!

Well, guess what?  My brilliant daughter has decided to take this matter into her own hands.  She now has a wiggly tooth.  Unfortunately for her, I am like a secret agent.  And, I have discovered that she made the tooth wiggly herself.  How do I know this?  Well, for one, it’s a top tooth.  Your bottom teeth fall out first, it’s like the law.  For two, it’s the left front tooth.  What does that have to do with the price of false teeth?  Well, she’s left handed.  Go ahead, reach up and wiggle a tooth.  I can almost guarantee, if you’re right handed you’ll wiggle a tooth on the right side, and the same for left handed.  Trust me, I did a study. 

Ok, so she made her own tooth wiggly, who cares?  Right?  Wrong.  I care.  Because if that damn tooth falls out she’s going to have a gap tooth there until that tooth decides it’s time to come in.  That could be weeks, months, years?!  Who knows?

So, I took matters into my own hands.  You see, I have someone on my side.

That’s right.  The Tooth Fairy.  I told Alivia the Tooth Fairy knows the order in which teeth are supposed to fall out, and she only accepts them in that order.  She was skeptical, but I think she’ll come around to it.  Why?  Well, the Tooth Fairy = Money.  And we all know money talks, even to a six year old!

Monday Minute or Nerd Alert!

Happy Monday everyone!  It’s time for Monday Minute again with Ian.  I think he might have a new button this week, but I’m not sure, so I’ll stick with the old freaky one for now.  I didn’t lose any followers last week over admitting to picking my nose and attempting to smoke a doobie in my bedroom, so that’s always a plus!  Ok, here we go:

1.  How much would you have to be paid to eat a human cadaver’s finger?

Seriously?  I wouldn’t do it.  No way, not ever, end of discussion.  I won’t even eat food out of someone else’s hand, or off someone else’s plate, so there’s no way in hell I would ever eat a finger. 

2.  Describe the worst physical fight you’ve ever been in.

I don’t remember ever being in a fight.  The only thing remotely close was when I lived in Florida I got into a shoving match at work with another cashier, who happened to be the manager’s daughter.  Yeah, that was a pretty dumb idea.

3.  Name one song that if you never heard it again, you’d be thrilled.

Basically anything by Justin Beiber.  I can’t stand that little twerp.  I think “One Less Lonely Girl” is probably very high on the list.  One time when we were in the car I told my girls if I heard that song one more time, there was going to be one less lonely boy.  When they realized what I was saying they just stared at me in disbelief.

4.  Describe the drunkest situation you’ve ever been in.

Ha, I can do one better, I did a whole post on it!  Blow-up dolls, red-headed sluts, and a penis cake…if you’re not usually one who clicks to read posts I link to, this is a good one!  It’s mostly pictures too, so no heavy reading! 

5.  What’s your biggest regret?

Well, currently my biggest regret is buying Shawn an iPod touch for his birthday.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  His nerdy tendencies annoy the hell out of me, and the iPod has taken it to a whole new level.

The other night after Alivia’s T-ball game we went out with the team for ice-cream.  I waited in the car for a few minutes because I was cold.  I had no more than opened my car door to get in, and he had that thing out of his pocket.  I was watching him (incognito), and the next thing I knew he had it up to his ear listening to something.  Now, an iPod touch looks exactly like an iPhone, so to anyone else it could look like he was listening to a voicemail or something.  But, I knew the truth people!  He wouldn’t tell me what he was listening to either, so that only confirmed my suspicions.  Why couldn’t he be into guns or hunting, or something like that?  I think that would be better, you can’t really carry a rifle in your pocket to a T-ball game.

Don’t make me do this.

This morning I was looking through my purse when I found a coupon of Shawn’s for a free coffee.  The coupon was sent to him for his birthday.  I called him to tell him I had the coupon, and offered to bring it to him, but he told me to just use it for myself.  I told him I didn’t want to, since it was a “birthday” coupon, and it wasn’t my birthday.  He of course was all “Just use it, nobody will know.”  I kept saying no, and said “What if I go there and that manager dude is there?”  He said “He’s not going to be there, and even if he is just say it’s your husband’s coupon.”

I reluctantly agreed to use it because Hey, free coffee!  Before I go any further, if you don’t know the manager dude I’m referring to, read this post.

I get to the coffee shop, and I have to tell you I was already in a weakened state because I forgot my whole gym bag this morning and almost had a panic attack at the gym when I realized this.  Anywho.  I pull up to the speaker, and this is what happened:

 

Speaker:  “Hi, welcome to blah, blah, blah…what can I get for you this morning?”

(Oh no, it is him!  What should I do?  I can’t just drive away, or can I?  No, don’t do that, he’ll see you and you’ll look like a total spaz!  Maybe he won’t recognize me.)

Me:  “I have a coupon for a free grande beverage, can I get a grande skinny frozen mocha?”

Speaker:  “Sure, please pull ahead!”

 

At this point I’m telling myself not to freak out, but my head keeps screaming “Vagina straw!  Vagina straw!”  So, I pull ahead, roll my window down, and HOLY HELL!  As soon as I roll the window down and stick my arm out to hand him the coupon the coupon flies away!  Gone. With. The. Wind.

 

Me:  “Oh shit.”

Manager Dude:  “Bahahahaha!  That’s ok!  I’ll go get it, don’t worry about it!”

Me:  “I’m so sorry!”

Manager Dude:  “It’s ok!  Happy Birthday!  When was your birthday?!”

(Birthday?  What birthday?  It’s not my birthday.  Oh, the birthday coupon.  What do I say?)

Me:  “Oh, it was yesterday.”

(Ugh.  Why did you lie?  You weren’t supposed to lie.  I think he recognizes me…damnit, why couldn’t Shawn have let me get a new car?  Maybe he wouldn’t have recognized me in a different car.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, Happy Birthday!  What did you do?”

Me:  “Oh, I went to work, that was about it.”

(Ok, that part is true.)

Manager Dude:  “What?  Why didn’t you take the day off for your birthday?”

(Seriously?  Seriously?)

Me:  “I only work Tuesdays and Thursdays, so it was my day to work, no big deal though!”

(Ha, no big deal, since it wasn’t even your birthday!  Liar, liar, pants on fire!  Vagina Straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, what did you do after work?  Did you go out to eat?”

(Is it too late to just drive away?)

Me:  “No, my daughter has strep throat, so we just stayed home and ate pizza.”

(Again, this is true, but why did I have to bring up my daughter?  Vagina straw!)

Manager Dude:  “Well, are you going to go out to eat this weekend?”

Me:  “Yes, we’re going out on Sunday with my parents.”

(This is also true.)

Manager Dude:  “Well, where are you going to go?”

(Are you fucking kidding me?  Why do you even care?  Just please give me my coffee, so I can drive away and never see you again!)

Me:  “I don’t really know yet.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, when it was my birthday we went to…oh, where did we go?  Oh yeah, Grand Rapids Brewing Company.  Have you been there?  There’s also Blue Water Grille, have you been there?”

(I wonder if he will shut up if I pretend to have a seizure?)

Me:  “No, I haven’t been to either of those places.”

Manager Dude:  “Well, those are both great places.  The Blue Water Grille has a deck, and it’s right on a lake!  Ok, well your drink will be right out!”

(Oh, thank you baby Jesus!  He’s walking away, I think he’s done talking.)

 

There has to be a moral to this story, but I’m not sure what it is.  Don’t use someone else’s free birthday coffee coupon?  Don’t lie?  Don’t go through the coffee drive-thru on a windy day?  Wait a minute.  I’ve got it.  Don’t listen to your husband!  Yup, I blame him.

Happy Birthday or I think I would have inhaled!

Today is my husband’s 36th birthday!  I know everyone says their husband is the best, but seriously, mine is.  No, really he is, don’t even try to argue with me on this.  Even though I make fun of his bald head, threaten to punch him in the face for snoring, and complain about his nerdiness, he is still my one and only and I am so blessed to be his wife.

I think most of my readers know quite a bit about me, so for Shawn’s birthday I thought I’d tell you a little about him.  Here are 5 random facts about my husband:

1. He is a computer programmer, and has worked at the same job since graduating from college 14 years ago.
2. In high school he smoked pot in the back of a ZZ Top roadie’s semi, but he didn’t inhale.
3. He ran track in college, and was All American in hurdles.  He still holds the record at his college for 400M hurdles!
4. When he was growing up he had a wiener dog named Puddles.
5. His favorite movie is The Big Lebowski.  (I’ve never even seen it!)

I actually wanted to do 10 facts, but was having a brain fart at 6, so I decided to keep it at 5.  Anywho…

Happy Birthday Shawn!  I love you, and the girls and I are so lucky to have you!  Even though you hate Nickelback, I’m posting this song for you.  Due to recent events, this song makes me think of you every time I hear it.

My fear of white.

I have a huge confession to make.

When we were on spring break, I told Shawn I just had to have a new purse.  It wasn’t just any purse either, what I had to have was a new Coach purse.  I didn’t have anything particular in mind, but I wanted something that would go with almost everything.

When I got to the store I went round and round several times.  I couldn’t decide.  I was almost going to settle on a black one, but black doesn’t scream spring and summer at all.  So, I went the complete opposite route, and got a white one.

If you think that’s the confession, you’re wrong.  The confession is this:  When I took these photos it was the first time I had even taken the purse out of the bag!  Yes, this is horrible, I know.  I do have good reason though, trust me.

The very night I got the purse, Shawn was all “Come on, put your stuff in it!  Aren’t you going to use it?”  I thought about it, and then told him I wanted him to spray it with leather protector when we got home.  But, then we got home, and I looked at the care instructions which explicitly said “Do not spray purse with leather protector.”  Hmm…okay.

This is when I started getting nervous.  This is when I started regretting the white purse.  Honestly, it’s not just the purse, I have an overall fear of wearing or having anything white.  I would love love love a pair of white jeans, but I have never owned a pair.  I can’t, I just can’t.  Why?  Well, because of something that happened in high school.

Even though I didn’t see it happen, I remember this very vividly because I remember feeling horrible for this girl.  It was the spring of my senior year.  I was waiting for my boyfriend after school, and when I saw him he had this big smile on his face like he had something great to tell me.  So, he comes running up to me and says:

“You’re not going to believe what happened in English class!  Lucille got her period all over her white jeans!  Hahaha, Lucy Lucy with the red pussy!”

Ohmyword.  Is that every girls worst nightmare or what?  Now, clearly I don’t think I’m going to get my period on my white purse.  However, I do have visions of my children spraying ketchup on it, or manhandling it with chocolaty fingers.

So, I really need your help…how can I get over this?  I feel like I’m nanoseconds away from Shawn accusing me of wasting money on a purse that I won’t even use.  While that is true, his argument wouldn’t be that strong, since his sound bar didn’t even fit in our entertainment center!

Another Manic Monday.

Are you ready for another “Monday Minute” with Ian?  I’m playing along again this week, even though I regret posting last week that I had indeed taken a shit in the woods.  Seriously?  I thought everyone had done that!  I think I may have lost followers over that.

Alright, here we go again:

1.  What drugs have you done in your life?

Mainly alcohol, and I don’t personally even consider that a drug.  I think Dr. Phil does though, so whatever.  Anyway, other than alcohol I had never even been around any drugs until a couple years ago.  In an effort to protect the not so innocent, all I can say, is a few years ago someone gave me a doobie as sort of an apology…a peace offering, if you will.  I had it for over a year, and I was constantly threatening to smoke it right in the living room.  I wasn’t really going to do that, I was just saying it to irritate Shawn.  His job does random drug tests, and he acted as if just having the doobie in the house was going to get him fired.  Long story short, after a year and a half I lit it up one night in our bedroom and the weed was skunked!  Apparently a rolled up joint doesn’t last that long, who knew?

2.   A/S/L?

I’m embarrassed to say it took me about a minute to figure out what this question was!  Age:  30.  Sex:  Yes.  Location:  West Michigan.

3.  Do you pick your nose?

Yeah sometimes, but come on, doesn’t everyone?!  Why do I have a feeling this question is going to be like the shit in the woods question last week?

4.  What’s your favorite childhood cartoon?

Oh, wow.  I guess I have to say Smurfs because that’s the only one I can remember watching.  We had like 3 channels on our TV when I was growing up, so the only cartoons I watched were the ones on Saturday morning.

5.  List the URL, of what you believe to be the best blog post you've ever done.

This one is hard.  I am my biggest critic, so I have no idea what I would consider my “best” post.  However, this post is my favorite one!

Do. Not. Call.

Would you believe I got another call from Alivia’s school this week? Seriously. I’m so glad they called too, because it definitely was a true emergency (insert sarcastic tone here). Just listen:

Me: “ 911, what is your emergency? Hello?”

Secretary: “Hi Tami! Um…I have Alivia here with me.”

Me: “Yeahhhhh…”

Secretary: “She says her side itches.”

Me: “WTF What?”

Secretary: “Her side itches.”

Me: “Yeah I heard you the first time Okay, so?”

Secretary: “Do you want me to put her on the phone?”

Me: “No, I want her to put her big girl panties on and go back to class! I guess.”

Alivia: “Mommy, my side itches.”

Me: “Yes, I know. Your skin is dry…remember, we talked about it this morning?”

Alivia: “Yeah, but I don’t like it.”

Me: “Well, I don’t like being called about itchy skin Well, I’m sorry, but we’ll put some lotion on after school.”

Alivia: “Ok, well Mrs. Secretary says she has some lotion she’ll give me to put on in the bathroom.”

Me: “Great idea! See you after school!”

(secretary gets back on phone)

Secretary: “Is it okay if I give her the lotion, and she can put it on in the bathroom?”

Me: “Yes, that’s great! Thanks, goodbye. Peace out and don’t call me again for this type of shenanigan!”

Ok, people, that was Monday. Let’s fast forward to tonight now. I’m at the school setting up refreshments for the Art Night. The principal comes in and starts talking to me. I wasn’t paying that close of attention, but I thought I heard him say “she was in the office” and “she needed a Band-Aid.” So, I’m like “Wait a minute, are you talking about my kid? She was in the office again today?!” He says “Yeah,” and gives me this look like “duh.”

At this point I think I went off on a tangent, and asked him if he knew they called me again on Monday, this time regarding “itchy skin?!” He laughed. Yes, he laughed. He said sometimes they like to err on the side of caution, but there are some parents who are on the “Do not call me unless there is blood, vomit, or fever” list.

Then he said, if I wanted, I could be on that list! What? The school has a “Do not call” list? Sign me up! However, I do have to wonder what the earring incident would fall under?